Feelings Fitness Podcast
Feelings Fitness Podcast
231. Growing Through Grief: Things I Wish I Told My Mother
The journey of grief is a path paved with unspoken words and lingering memories, a theme poignantly captured in 'Things I Wish I Told my Mother.' As I opened the pages of Susan Patterson and Susan DiLallo's moving narrative, the echoes of my own mother's absence enveloped me. The book's powerful climax mirrored an emotional rollercoaster that's all too familiar - the intricate dance of a mother-daughter relationship, the longing for one more conversation, one last embrace. Join me as I recount how the act of letter writing, both to my late mother and from her to me, brought solace and a profound sense of connection, revealing the unexpected strength found in the depths of loss.
This episode isn't just about the tearing sorrow of what's left unsaid; it's about the unexpected gifts of understanding and the sufficiency of what was given. Through my own reflections and the heartrending truths unearthed within Patterson and DiLallo's fiction, we'll explore the nuances of forgiveness and legacy. As we navigate the tender revelations of a mother's confession and a daughter's acceptance, I invite you to consider the power of letters that reach beyond the veil, piecing together the legacy of love in the words we never got to say.
Welcome back to another episode of the Feelings Fitness Podcast. I'm so happy you're here. This series is called Growing Through Grief taking some time to acknowledge the messy and the beautiful aspects of the grieving process, finding the silver lining of loss. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Last week we discussed how therapy can be helpful and how, if it resonates with you, perhaps confession is an option too. This week we'll take a look at another book. This one is called Things I Wish I Told my Mother, by Susan Patterson and Susan DiLallo, and it's a fictional story that I found really thought provoking when it came to the loss of my mom. I really don't want to share too much about the story in case you'd like to read it, but I'll pull a few points from it that I found helpful to ponder. So now would probably be the point to move forward a little bit in the podcast, if you are even slightly afraid of a potential spoiler alert. So here's your time.
Speaker 0:I'm going to start talking about the book a little bit, so do with that what you will, and let me just actually start by saying that the end of this story is such a tear jerking plot twist that it is absolutely not to be missed. It actually made the whole book worth it to me. By the time I got to that point in the book I was kind of wondering as I was reading, like, where is this going? You know, it's this whole story about this mother-daughter trip that they take and it shows, highlights, their relationship and the nuances and the tension and all of the things. So kind of wondering where it was going, a lot of the story until the end and then it was just gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, triggering to me all of the things, but so so worth it and just a couple of the things that I really pulled from him and I'm not going to go into any great detail Again. It was just a lot of the nuances of their relationship on this trip that they took. But there's a point where the mom writes a letter to her daughter and it says a confession I was a much better doctor than a mother. I hope as time passes you'll forgive me for the things I did and the things I didn't do and I think just by her saying that and the daughter receiving that, it really softened the relationship. It made the relationship make so much more sense and become so much more tolerable when you can just hear somebody else saying those words, like the mother acknowledged the fact that she really poured a lot of her time and effort and energy into her job, as opposed to as much as she probably should have poured into her relationship with her daughter. But then, at the end of the day, the daughter says people don't always give you what you want. They give you what they have to give, and that can be enough. So I just love this combination of the mother speaking these things to the daughter, the daughter receiving them and understanding her mom, understanding their relationship and just kind of softening up the whole thing. So I loved that so much. This is a great, great read if you are interested in something like that.
Speaker 0:Even prior to reading this book, I did write my mom a letter. I wrote it to her on the first Mother's Day without her and she passed away in April 2022. And here in the States Mother's Day is in May. So it just kind of made perfect sense that I was writing a letter to her and now that I'm thinking about it, I may take a stab at writing a letter like one to myself from her perspective. I think that might be a neat activity to test out, but what might be some of the things that she would have said to me too, because her decline happened rapidly and then her death was sudden, so there wasn't this window of time for us to talk and say the things that we would want the other one to hold in their heart for an eternity. So some of the things I wish I had told my mother.
Speaker 0:I really never realized quite how accomplished she was until she passed away. She taught grade school, she was a flight attendant, she was a school librarian a position that she really adored and really a legacy that she leaves as well in my heart, because I have this elaborate collection of children's books that really she started. She volunteered so much of her time to the Literacy Association. She was the sweetheart of the Meals on Wheels Sweetheart Ball. She established a perpetual adoration chapel where there's still now a plaque with her name on it. She was really so caring, creative and accomplished and I wish I would have commended her more.
Speaker 0:I know I always showed her my love and appreciation. I know that actions speak louder than words, but I do wish I would have told her how much I appreciated the traveling we did, the walks we took, the help she provided when my kids were really little and I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I wish I would have told her, instead of just assuming she knew, how much I appreciated the time and energy that she gave to me and my family. I wish I would have reminded her, when she wasn't doing well, of all the wonderful things that she had done throughout the years. I wish she could hear the words that, although she was unable to do many of those things with her disability, the words that, although she was unable to do many of those things with her disability, that it was okay, we would take it from there. We've got her. I wish we just would have reminded her of her value, because I think that there are probably times where you think, well, like what am I worth now, that I can't really be helpful, I can't really do all these things that I'm used to doing? I think I wish I would have told her that, because she was still very much valued, even though there were many things that she couldn't do at that point.
Speaker 0:I'll never forget going to the grocery store with her when she was in her wheelchair, and when she looked up at me and said I hope no one sees me like this. It broke my heart. I wish I had been a little more intentional with my response. I was uncomfortable with her discomfort. I wish I would have said you are beautiful now, as you've always been inside and out. I wish that I had been a little less business oriented when it came to caring for her.
Speaker 0:I was never quite sure what she was thinking and she just always seemed so gracious and grateful. I wish I would have just talked to her as always, without overanalyzing her end of the conversation. Oh my, so many things I wish I could have told my mother. So many things I wish she had told me. So for now, all I can do is hold in my heart the special moments and the conversations that we were so fortunate to have in our 45 years together. I hope that this gets you kind of thinking about things that you wish you told your mother or your father or whomever it is that you are grieving. And until next time, I hope you continue to exercise your emotions in an effort to feel fit mind, body and spirit.