Feelings Fitness Podcast
Feelings Fitness Podcast
230. Growing Through Grief: Confession
As I open the pages of my heart, revealing the scars left by the loss of my mom, this episode is a testament to the healing that comes from embracing our grief and regrets. My journey through mourning has been marked by moments of profound self-discovery, found within the sacred space of grief counseling and the introspective act of confession. The candid conversation you're about to hear is not just my story, but a shared human experience, an invitation to walk alongside me as we consider the transformative power of confronting the remorse that often accompanies loss.
Join me as we unpack the layers of emotions tied to inauthentic interactions, distance in times of need, and the selfish fears that can cloud our judgment. No words can encompass the entire path to forgiveness and understanding, but as we navigate these chapters together, there is solace to be found. Through my reflections on the past, I hope to offer you comfort and guidance, illuminating the importance of seeking support and using our love and cherished memories as a beacon through the pain, toward a more compassionate and forgiving future.
Welcome back to another episode of the Feelings Fitness Podcast. I'm so happy you're here. This series is called Growing Through Grief taking some time to acknowledge the messy and the beautiful aspects of the grieving process, finding the silver lining of loss. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Last week we discussed the book the Five Regrets of the Dying by Bonnie Ware. These five regrets help us process loss and move forward with a lot of intentionality. Our lost loved one would want nothing less for us than happiness. So this week I have a confession to make.
Speaker 0:I did some formal counseling shortly after losing my mom. I had some regrets about my decisions leading up to the loss. I chose to go with an online counseling option called BetterHelp and I did find BetterHelp to be very helpful. I was able to look at the profiles of several different therapists with varying credentials counselor or social worker varying in years of experience. I chose a therapist with experience in grief work. I was able to quickly establish a relationship with her. I knew I wanted to do the work and then get on with life. I wanted to set a timeline and goals to achieve. I found success and graduated saying goodbye to my therapist with the knowledge that I could meet with her again at any time Throughout our time working together. We would meet weekly and I would also do some journaling on the platform daily. My therapist would respond. It was really a lovely way to have some accountability between sessions. One of the suggestions my therapist made after getting to know me was that I should consider going to confession. I will confess that it took me about a year after this suggestion was made to finally follow through on it. Now that I'm back in the comfort zone with going to confession, I am, as she said I would be, feeling a sense of relief.
Speaker 0:After avoiding the formal confession process for so long. I was extremely nervous to sit in front of a priest and make my confessions. I shared the regrets that I had when it came to my mom's illness and eventually her passing. I was given the penance of praying for the grieving in the Adoration Chapel. It was a humbling experience. But counseling and this confession process I feel very grateful that I have these grieving tools in my toolbox. So what are the regrets that I had you may still be wondering In this counseling and confession process, it really helps me to process these regrets and, although I still beat myself up from time to time. Overall, I know I did right by my mom. I know she knew I loved her. I know she loved me. All I can do is hold on to the happy memories we shared together and carry her love in my heart daily. But here are some of my regrets and the details that go along with them, just to share in case you are grieving and having some regrets of your own. So the first one for me, and again these are very specific to my situation with my mom. So, but here goes regret number one.
Speaker 0:In hindsight, I had no idea what all my mom was going through. So perhaps it was pride, or perhaps she was just shielding me from sadness, but our phone conversations became progressively more exhausting. I knew there were things that she wasn't telling me. I wanted her to be transparent. I felt like our conversations would have felt more authentic if this elephant wasn't in the room. So I felt like our conversations were exhausting. I came to terms with this. I decided I would call on Sundays and I would just let it be easy. Or if she called me in between, I would pick up the phone and we could just pretend like everything was as it had always been. But I will say I regret saying that the calls were exhausting because I would give anything to have a call with her.
Speaker 0:Now, regret number two I was slightly standoffish when it came to my mom's illness. Things started to go downhill for her during the pandemic window of time. I really had no idea what exactly was going on, but there was a gradual decline and I don't think that my parents saw it declining as quickly as it did. So not much was really said until one dark text came through from my dad and I knew things weren't going well. Things my mom would never tell me and also things my dad told me to swear not to tell her. He told me oh, my goodness.
Speaker 0:So once the dust settled on the pandemic and we took a trip to South Carolina to see my parents after a year and a half of not seeing them, my first encounter with my mom was emotional on so many levels, of course because I hadn't hugged her in the longest time, but also because her disability was so very visible. After spending some time with her, disability was so very visible. After spending some time with her, I had to retreat to my room. I didn't want her to see me cry For a window of time, I found myself afraid and standoffish and I regret trying to escape her. I regret ever in these times that we had together, leaving her kind of sitting there in the family room watching TV by herself. But I just I couldn't handle it for a little while. But I wish I had. Instead of trying to escape her and this situation, I wish I would have snuggled up against her and I wish I would have just held her hand. So, bottom line, I regret being standoffish with any of the circumstances that were unfolding.
Speaker 0:Regret number three once I found my comfort zone with her new normal, I felt a little bit better. I was able to set aside my own selfishness. My selfishness kind of came in the form of now it's going to be work to spend time with her. Now she's no longer available to help me. And even more deep and dark what does her illness mean for me? What might be coming down the pipeline for me? How do I make sure I don't end up with what she's dealing with? My worries were so uncomfortable I knew I needed to work through these feelings. In hindsight I wish I would have started therapy while my mom was sick, as opposed to waiting until she passed away. But we all know hindsight is 20-20. Honestly, I did the best I could. The only bummer of it is it wasn't long after I worked out my own issues that she passed away. I regret making her issues about me and I wish I would have just leaned into meeting her needs.
Speaker 0:And regret number four, finally, I regret not getting to her sooner. I think both of my parents were trying to downplay the urgency and therefore I did too. But truth be told, honestly, I don't even think that they were downplaying. I think they honestly did think that my mom had many, many years left to live, that she just was going to have to find accommodations to her disability. But what I'm trying to say is I wish they would have put a little more urgency on us visiting. I guess I kept brushing off her request for us to visit. We had several circumstances on our own home front that she was aware of that kept us from getting there sooner. I know she understood, but I can still hear her saying I can still see the text message when are you coming? We were coming, we just didn't get there soon enough. It still makes me sad. I still regret not getting to her one more time before she passed away.
Speaker 0:It just dawned on me as I completed regret number four that this episode is called confessions, and last week we talked about regrets, so perhaps I should have phrased this a little differently, but they kind of go hand in hand. I kept saying regret number one, regret number two, regret number three, regret number four. Although they are regrets, they're also my confessions for things that I feel bad about. I feel like I would have done certain things differently had I been the person I am today, as opposed to the person I was during that time in my life. So there you have it, my regrets, or my confession. I hope you found this episode helpful. Whatever stage of grief you are in, until next week, keep exercising your emotions in an effort to feel fit mind, body and spirit.