Feelings Fitness Podcast
Feelings Fitness Podcast
229. Growing Through Grief: The 5 Regrets of the Dying
Embarking on a journey through the heart's deepest valleys, I find myself uncovering treasures amidst grief's shadow. In my latest exploration, I invite listeners to join me as we wade through the five stages of loss with Taylor Swift's music as our guide, reflecting the spectrum of emotions from denial to acceptance. I open my heart, sharing personal insights on striving to live authentically and balancing ambition with the creation of lasting memories. This heartfelt conversation is an open door to the vulnerability that comes with loss and the transformative potential it holds to live more wholly and meaningfully.
In the pursuit of happiness, especially after a loss, I draw from the well of my own trials and the unbridled joy of the young minds I once nurtured as an educator. Our discussion pivots to cherishing life's fleeting moments, while not allowing the smaller worries to cloud the beauty before us. Through personal anecdotes and shared experiences, this episode is an outstretched hand to those seeking to honor the legacies left behind by finding joy and the good in every day. Tune in for a heartfelt exchange that might just redefine your chase for happiness in the quieter corners of life's second act.
Welcome back to another episode of the Feelings Fitness Podcast. I'm so happy you're here. This series is called Growing Through Grief and it means to learn the lessons that grief offers and accept the gifts it presents. Now, these aren't gifts wrapped in pretty paper and tied up with a bow. They are messy, they require work to find the silver lining and I know it seems impossible, but it's true that there is really a silver lining on loss. Oftentimes our society does not prepare us for this and really, grief gets swept under the rug all too quickly. Last week, we identified the five stages of grief and discussed how working through them is not always a linear process. Oh, my goodness, I have to say I came across after I had already recorded that episode. I came across some Taylor Swift music. Of course, always Taylor Swift, or several of her songs, were placed into these stages of grief categories and I thought it was so fun, so I'm going to actually go ahead and share the whole thing. So indulge me here, okay, okay. So here we go.
Speaker 0:Denial, I love you, it's ruining my life songs. The tracks included Lavender Haze, snow on the Beach, sweet Nothing, glitch and Betty, and Swift says this is a list of songs about getting so caught up in the idea of something that you have a hard time seeing the red flags, possibly resulting in moments of denial and maybe a little bit of delusion. Results may vary, all right. Next up, anger. You don't get to tell me about sad songs. Tracks include Vigilante, s-h-i-t, high Fidelity, would've, could've, should've, exile and Illicit Affairs. Swift says these songs all have one thing in common I wrote them while feeling anger. Over the years, I've learned that anger can manifest itself in a lot of different ways, but the healthiest way that it manifests itself in my life is when I can write a song about it and then oftentimes, that helps me get past it.
Speaker 0:Stage three bargaining. Am I allowed to cry? Songs. Tracks included the Great War, this Is Me Trying Peace, the Archer and Cornelius Dream. Swift says this playlist takes you through the songs that I've written when I was in the bargaining stage Times. When you're trying to make deals with yourself or someone that you care about, you're trying to make things better, you're oftentimes feeling really desperate because oftentimes we have a gut intuition that tells us things are not going to go the way that we hope, which makes us more desperate, which makes us bargain more.
Speaker 0:Stage four. Depression. Old habits die. Screaming songs tracks include Bigger Than the Whole Sky, dear Reader, maroon Champagne, problems and You're Losing Me.
Speaker 0:Swift says we're going to be exploring the feelings of depression that often lace their way through my songs. In times like these, I'll write a song because I feel lonely or hopeless and writing a song feels like the only way to process that intensity of an emotion. And while these things are really really hard to go through, I often feel like when I'm either listening to songs or writing songs that deal with this intensity of loss and hopelessness, usually that's in the phase where I'm coming close to getting past that feeling and the final stage, acceptance. I can do it with a broken heart songs Tracks include You're On your Own Kid, midnight Rain, labyrinth 1, and August. Swift says here we finally find acceptance and can start moving forward from loss or heartbreak. These songs represent making room for more good in your life, making that choice, because a lot of time when we lose things, we gain things too. So I just thought that was fun. I love her songs and I love that they were put into the five stages of grief categories.
Speaker 0:So after you've lost a loved one, the way that you look at, the world completely changes. Some people will really harden, but many will soften. To harden means to become bitter, to victimize yourself. To soften is to be a survivor. To soften means to find ways to help others who have experienced a similar loss. I hope, if you have experienced loss, you will choose to soften. You will choose to help others when you choose to soften. It allows space to use the loss as an invitation to live life to its fullest, to do things you never imagined would be possible. It opens up the analytical mind. Let's use the five regrets of the dying to analyze life in an effort to make the most of this short time we have on this earth, this human experience. So, regret number one I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Speaker 0:All too often people default to their early years and the expectations of their parents. People default to their early years and the expectations of their parents. Many people have unrealistic expectations placed on them at a really early age. Many of these parents are, in fact, very well-meaning, but oftentimes it's more of a generational pattern. What was done to them they then do to their own children. My parents were very easygoing. I actually wish of anything that they would have pushed me a little more, had a little higher expectations. I wish I had been presented with more options too. I to some extent just followed in my mom's footsteps from cheerleader to teacher to stay at home mom. In hindsight I know my mom actually had a real competitive edge to her. I wish I would have inherited a little more of that. At a certain stage in life I became more comfortable with other people taking the spotlight, other people winning, other people collecting the accolades. Overall, I feel like I've been true to myself, not letting the expectations of others rule my life. I almost wish I would have set a little bit of higher expectations for myself, but I'm no worse for the wear Regret number two, I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
Speaker 0:This one is hard for me to admit, but I actually read this one as I wish I had worked harder. I get it. Though so many people prioritize work over making meaningful memories, I, on the other hand, was always afraid to commit to anything. I've started and stopped so many things. I actually wish I would have stayed the course on some things, impressed myself a little harder, gotten out of my comfort zone a little more often. But truly, at the end of the day, my choice to only work so hard allowed me to always have time for my family. I'm so glad I spent as much time with my mom as I did, because I never in a million years imagined I'd lose her so soon. I'd say, find a balance of working hard enough to achieve realistic goals, but never so much that you miss out on making memories with loved ones.
Speaker 0:Regret number three I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. This one is my jam because, well, feelings fitness, of course. After my mom passed away, I very much started to analyze her backstory. I connected with her childhood friends and started to ask lots of questions and requested lots of stories. Her two best friends from childhood have so graciously shared stories and photos and kind words about my mom and her family. I don't know why I didn't ask her more questions when she was alive. I wish I would have. I guess I didn't because she didn't really offer any real insight into her feelings. I realized that we never talked about her parents passing or any feelings surrounding it.
Speaker 0:I share all this to say I wasn't raised in a home where feelings were shared freely. Everyone was a little closed off. Now we were very affectionate towards each other, yes, but did we talk about it? No, not really. I love you was said often, but that was about it. I wish I could have expressed the whole range of emotions with my family and friends.
Speaker 0:I to some extent built up a wall around my emotions. I'd kind of just keep things in. I would just say you know, I'm fine, no big deal. Now I could cry on a dime, though my mom always thought I'd be a good actress. Only I was never really acting when I'd cry. I was just a real, highly sensitive human Still am to this day, which is why I don't take too many risks in life Emotionally. It's exhausting to me. In grad school, when I developed feelings fitness is when I started challenging myself to live emotionally courageously. I share the skills that I learn about emotions because I feel wholeheartedly that it's important to express them. To live in emotional alignment is to live authentically.
Speaker 0:Regret number four I wish I stayed in touch with my friends. I feel like my mom stayed in touch with her friends. I always thought I would have known some of her friends better, but it makes sense. My kids don't really know several of my best friends who don't live in our town. I have loved getting to know my mom's friends and finding out how much they truly adored any time they got to spend with her. Friends have been so key in my grieving process. I feel so fortunate to have so many people check in on me even two years later, remembering the date that my mom passed away and checking in on me. The grieving process the loss of a loved one certainly changes the way you show up in the world. I now more than ever, prioritize spending time with people over taking care of tasks that aren't time sensitive. I also make it a point to make phone calls to long distance friends. I have also been handwriting letters letting my loved ones know how much they mean to me.
Speaker 0:Regret number five I wish I had let myself be happier.
Speaker 0:Ah, this one, I can feel it all too well. I hate that. I can feel it, but I most certainly can. As crazy as it may sound, I always say I work hard at happy. It doesn't come naturally to me. I have forever been envious of happy-go-lucky people, glass-half-full people, the people who say oh well when something goes awry and proceed to be happy.
Speaker 0:When I was teaching elementary school, my favorite kids had this innate sense of happiness. It was so inspiring to see. So as I analyze the loss of my mom, as I analyze the before and the after the loss, I seek to find happiness, and not just happiness but joy. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I try to see the good, and even the most challenging people and situations I try to let myself be happier. So there you have it, my two cents on the five regrets of the dying. I hope you have found this helpful. I hope this inspires you to lean into life after loss. Your loved one would want happiness for you. Until next week, continue to exercise your emotions in an effort to feel fit mind, body and spirit.