Feelings Fitness Podcast
Feelings Fitness Podcast
228. Growing Through Grief: The 5 Stages of Grief
As we traverse the heart-wrenching path of mourning, today's segment of Growing Through Grief exposes the raw emotions of losing my mother. My voice may tremble, but my story unfolds the agonizing steps through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and the eventual, though reluctant, acceptance. I share the jolt of despair that gripped me upon hearing the news, the fury at my mother for hiding her illness, and the guilt that clawed at me for not being by her side sooner. There are moments of quiet bargaining and a suffocating depression, where even the simplest tasks become insurmountable.
But grief is not a journey taken in solitude. This episode also emphasizes the healing power of connection, the catharsis found in poetic words, and the solace of cherished memories. I invite you to discover how the act of holding onto mementos, sharing poignant stories, and seeking the presence of those who have also felt this sting can fortify our spirits. As we delve into these shared experiences, it becomes clear that the process is not about burying our feelings but about nurturing our ability to grow through them, together. Join me as we continue to weave through the tapestry of loss, learning, and ultimately, living with the love that remains.
Welcome back to another episode of the Feelings Fitness Podcast. I'm so happy you're here. Last week, on this Growing Through Grief series, we talked about powerful places. Visiting memorable places that bring back memories of a lost loved one is a powerful experience. You'll need to prepare your heart to feel their presence, but it's so worth it. If you haven't listened to my Charleston, south Carolina episode, please do so. This week we'll discuss the five stages of grief, and perhaps this should have been in the very first episode of this series, but it wasn't. So here it is now, although the stages are not meant to be linear. Clearly, our emotions, our feelings ebb and flow, but right now, I'd say I have successfully arrived in the acceptance stage. So the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Here's how the stages unfolded for me. If you are new here, my grief journey is about the untimely passing of my sweet mom, my rock, my home base. I share my journey in hopes of helping others successfully get through their grief as well. So my denial stage.
Speaker 0:On the morning of April 5th 2022, I was leisurely planning out my day. I was sitting at my organized desk in my peaceful home yoga studio. All seemed right in the world. The phone rang and all I heard was my dad's voice on the other end of the line saying she's gone. Then my mom's friend got on the line to try to console my dad and me. I was so incredibly stunned. I was sitting still. I was staring off into space. I didn't know what to say or do. Since my parents live in South Carolina, there was no way for me to quickly get there. I asked my dad what I should do, knowing that I have my own family to contend with. He told me to please not rush to get there. This was the hardest request to accept, but it did make sense. At the time there was only so much we could say to each other, and my dad had other calls to make. I sat stunned and then had to continue about my day, holding the worst feeling I had ever felt.
Speaker 0:In a moment of denial that this situation was real, I hopped onto my Peloton bike and rode. There was a grief ride and I rode and I cried, trying to deny my new reality that life would go on without my mom. Being far away and having not seen my mom in the six months prior, it was oddly easy to deny she was gone. It still sometimes feels like she's in South Carolina living her life. But now I know my denial stage is over. Her death was real. I have since learned to live with her memory and not of looking forward to making more memories with her Super sad reality.
Speaker 0:Then came the anger stage. So many versions of anger emerged. I was mad at her, mad at myself, mad about the fact that she was taken from this world too soon. When I started to reflect upon her final years, I became really angry that she didn't address some of the issues sooner. It felt like she knew something was coming down the pipeline but ignored it. I know she was seeing doctors, but perhaps there were others that could have been more helpful had she been more open about her illness. It makes me angry that she kept so much of this a secret. I wish she had shared more of what she was going through. I'm angry that she ended up on so many medications that dulled her emotions. She kept so much of this a secret. I wish she had shared more of what she was going through. I'm angry that she ended up on so many medications that dulled her emotions. I really longed to hear that she loved me and that she was proud of the woman and the mom that I had become. But she was, like I said, on a variety of different medications to deal with different circumstances of her illness and it just kind of, like I said, dulled her emotions and she really she didn't say much. So, on the flip side, I was so mad at myself for making some of this situation about me and what I needed. I was angry that I brushed off her requests for us to visit. I would say we'll get there as soon as we can, but we didn't get there soon enough. We were planning on going when the kids got out of school at the end of May, but she passed in April before we could get there. I'm so angry at myself for not being more sensitive about her continued request.
Speaker 0:Next is the bargaining stage. This one didn't really play a part in my grieving process, but I do know for many they say things like if you bring her back, I'll be sure to spend more time with her, or something of that nature. I actually spent more time in the anger and depression stages, more so than anything else. That kind of overshadowed. This bargaining stage, the depression stage, really consumes me a lot and still to some extent consumes me. I actually ebb and flow in and out of depression and acceptance.
Speaker 0:My depression has been both visible and invisible. Visibly, there was grief weight gain. Up until the last two years I prided myself on the fact that I had remained the same weight since high school, only gaining the allotted amount of weight during pregnancy but quickly then losing it after the delivery. So grief, weight gain hit me like a ton of bricks. Although I have remained active while going through grief, I clearly haven't been getting enough exercise, and more so than anything else, just making poor food choices. So, especially during those early months and that really that first year, there was lots of takeout and lots of food being delivered and that kind of stuff. That clearly led to just some poor food choices, which led to a decent amount of weight gain.
Speaker 0:Another visible sign messes and disorganization. I managed to keep the main zone of my house under control, but the basement became a junk breeding ground, which I have since done a pretty solid job of getting back in order, but it's still a bit of a work in progress. I do things like shovel out my daughter's room and then it would all go in a pile in the basement. Halloween came and went, another pile formed in the basement. Same thing happened for Christmas Constant piles that I didn't have the drive to put away formally.
Speaker 0:What was once my peaceful yoga space became a visible sign of depression. I had such an underlying sense of sadness that made even the simplest tasks seem overwhelming. The sadness and the analyzing of emotions were invisible. I managed to keep forging forward. I managed to keep finding some fun, but ultimately I continued to struggle long after that initial loss on April 5th 2022.
Speaker 0:For others, they had moved on and, depending on how close anyone was to my mom, this would determine how severely they were impacted, right? So I know many still think about her often. I think about her daily, if not multiple times a day. Clearly, the rawness of those thoughts has softened, but still some thoughts can definitely trigger the waterworks. The depression stage has moved on to more of anened, but still some thoughts can definitely trigger the waterworks. The depression stage has moved on to more of an acceptance, but this depression has made me so overly sensitive and caused me to evaluate many other aspects of my life and relationships. I wouldn't say I'm in the clear just yet, but I'm making good progress.
Speaker 0:I'm not sure that anyone ever fully accepts the loss of someone as near and dear as a mom. But one must ultimately arrive in the acceptance stage and accept the reality of the loss. It's real, it's raw. For quite a while it's accepted through the use of coping skills. I have definitely leaned into poetry. Putting words to the feelings has proved to have healing power. I've learned about and leaned into the emotions. Avoiding the feelings makes everything worse. I keep linking objects close. I tell stories about my mom. I visit powerful places filled with memories of her. I have connected with others who have experienced the loss of their mom as well. I would say, ultimately, connection is key. If you are grieving, know you are not alone. So join me next week for more Growing Through Grief. Keep exercising your emotions in an effort to feel fit mind, body and spirit.